The Rules of The Internet for Dummies (Part 2)

This week, we’ll learn about FBI agents, why the internet ruins everything, and the infamous Rule 34.

20. Don’t take everything seriously.

You’d be surpirsed how many people are offended by parodies. As in, they actually take stuff like Monty Python and The Onion seriously.


Be careful what you write. People can take it to a whole ‘nother level in terms of whether they know you’re joking or not. A post kidding around on Facebook you write might cost you a job after your boss snoops around (bastard) on your page. Likewise, you should be careful before you hurl any mud at someone for a comment. They might be an idiot, or even a troll. (And you know now not to feed them!) Just try not to be thin-skinned while surfing, or you’re just going to give yourself stress-lines. And when in doubt, Snopes it.

29. In the internet all girls are men and all kids are undercover FBI agents.

Which is to say, you can be ANYthing on the internet. And I mean anything. The old rumor about FBI agents is that there are agents  claiming to be kids on the internet, looking for pedophiles.

As for the girl/guys thing… you get the picture.

Just keep in mind when Candygurl775 claims to be a 17-year old in California, you should take her (His) words with a grain of salt.

In fact, screw that, take it with a Dead Sea’s worth of salt.

34. If it exists, there is porn of it.

Ah, Rule 34.

You may be only 34th in the order of the (Official) rules, yet you seems to reign supremely over all the others in terms of occurrence, as far as the  the internet community is concerned. And you know what? It’s right. As sick, and twisted it is, there is actually dirty pictures of every faction, fandom, and concept out there.

Teletubbies? Probably.

Dinosaurs? Yep. Heck, there’s even zombie porn out there. You heard me right. The internet, indeed, is full of messed up, warped, mentally ill perverts.

And they probably moderate your favorite 4chan board.

38. There are no limits.

The internet is where you take everything to the absolute extreme. The internet, is, in fact, the host of the largest encyclopedia in the world, the largest fanfic in the world (And, technically, longest piece of written fiction) and the most wretched hive of scum and villainy you will ever come across. There are very few middle-roaders on the internet. People will often stretch things waaaaay too far.

You have been warned.

42. Nothing is sacred.

The basis behind R34. People have little, heck, no shame on the internet. In terms of what people will do to beloved childhood icons, holy figures, saintly people, etc. People are generally assholes about that. Like I mentioned before, there are no limits when it comes to this sort of thing. Often, this is where trolling stems from. (Remember: Don’t feed ’em!)

63. There is always a gender-swapped version of it.

This is one of the few ‘set’ rules of the internet that is beyond the original 47. Perhaps inspired by the manga Ranma 1/2 (Where the main character switches gender based on whether he/she is splashed with hot/cold water; I know, weird, but this is manga we’re talking about here.) There are pages and pages and pages of DeviantART, Pinterest, and even tumblr posts devoted entirely to this. While some are fairly mild (Even kind of cute) others are definitely NSFW.  Tread carefully here.

? Godwin’s Law

To quote,

As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches 1.

Theorized by the great Michael Godwin  This pretty much sums up internet arguments. It can be over anything, be it cheese, mechanical pencils, or the Discovery Channel, someone’s going to bring it up eventually. Heck, some people do it from the start to get it over and done with. It just goes to demonstrate Rule 38 (Rule of extremes) even further.

? The T-Shirt Rule

The T-Shirt rule is, per se, as follows: You do not, without exception, wear a t-shirt for a fandom you aren’t part of, a book you’ve never read, music you don’t listen to (And just their cover songs don’t count!) a movie you can’t quote (Internet memes don’t count!) or any other media that applies therein. This also applies to any other paraphernalia, be it backpacks, hats, pins, internet forum avatars, and so on. Why? Two reasons.

1. False advertisement is rude and insulting to the fandom you are claiming to be a part of.

When you wear a t-shirt, you are making a statement. You are saying, ‘I am a part of this. I like this movie/book/whatever, and I wish to express that, and convey my feelings to other members of this fandom.’ When you wear the shirt because it looks cool (And not because you like what’s on it) you are basically sending out a false message; Youare lying to the other members of the fandom. They do not take to this kindly, which beings us to reason #2.

2. You don’t want members of the fandom you claim to be part of to start bombarding you with references you don’t get, and then get angry with you when you don’t get them.

I almost guarantee, one day you’ll be wearing your ill-advised shirt, and some poor innocent geek will approach you and quote form the movie/book/whatever, and expect you to come up with a snappy reply. You, of course, the uninformed sap that you are, will instead give them a blank stare, and realize, too late!, that they’re staring at your t-shirt.

Then the crap REALLY hits the fan.

When geeks are insulted, more often than not, they turn nasty. Fanboys/girls rarely take kindly to ‘fake’ geeks, and who can blame them? They invested their time, emotional energy, and even money into their favorite show/game/music, and here you come waltzing along, advertising for something you only know the surface of, and haven’t worked at. You think internet flame wars are bad? Imagine them in real life. Even if they don’t do something outright, more often than not, they aren’t going to be very happy with you for faking out on them.

So, next time you see the Marvel shirt and all you’ve seen is the shawarma scene from The Avengers, skip it.

? Toph is the greatest Earthbender. Ever.

This is more of memetic rule than anything, but it is one of the few things generally agreed upon in the Avatar fandom (And even outside of the fandom): Toph is a badass.

Evidence for that is present here, here, and here.


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